It is finally real summer and what could be more fun than relaxing on the veranda at your lake place up north, or in a hammock at home? You have the Twins game on in the background, your cold drink nearby, a dog or small child curled up at your feet, and you are working on the Minnesota Summer Quiz.
Rank the following summer activities, all occurring next weekend, in order of importance:
- A surprise seventy-fourth birthday party for great-uncle Gustav at the Muskrat Lodge in Boldfinger, MN (a 9-hour drive).
- The fourth anniversary of the third communion of your second cousin’s stepchild in Chaska. To be held in the church parking lot on the 107 degree asphalt.
- Lisa Goodman-initiated two-day community retreat/workshop on the advantages and disadvantages of Minnesota establishing a unicameral state legislature. Emile Mullen, Nebraska State auditor (and amateur mime), will provide a Power Point presentation and lead what promises to be a spirited discussion.
- Interfaith car wash and scrap metal drive. Volunteers from most of the world’s greatest religions (monotheists only — sorry), through sweat and hard labor will raise funds and awareness.
Short essay: Explain how, despite your better judgement and every fiber of your being, you will end up spending one of your precious summer weekends at one or more of the above events.
If Billy (age 9) takes his X-Box and hides under the house, is he following your suggestion to “Get out and get some fresh air!” Why or why not? (Short answer).
Billy (still 9) would be better off at Camp Whitchebehomac. The cost is $1,200.00. Canceling Billy’s tuba lessons for the summer would save $200.00. You have another $380.00 from lottery winnings. Billy’s Aunt Ethel says she will donate two times the amount Billy raises from collecting cans. Uncle Jasper says he will pay Billy $17.00 to detail his truck and $4,000.00 to move his hunting shack from Elk River to Big Spider Bay (Wisconsin). Billy has no desire to go to camp or even leave the house. How old will Billy be when he goes to camp?
- Uncle Jasper has a screw loose. Nobody wants his glorified outhouse up in Big Spider Bay!
- Billy hates the tuba, hates Aunt Ethel, and will be shaving and able to drive himself to camp by the time he gets the money.
- Aunt Ethel has more money than God! She spends more on electrolysis every year than his camp tuition would cost! If she doesn’t want to help the kid she should just say so!!!
- Billy is lactose intolerant and allergic to cows, cowboys, milkmaids, leather, got milk ads, rawhide chewtoys, cowlicks, and “The Cowsills.”
Is it morally wrong to watch television indoors on a sunny Sunday afternoon in the summer? (Short answer). (Hint Leviticus 7: 3-14)
What is the span of time between the last possible day of the snow season and the first of the next? (Answer in hours)_______.
Do you wish you had gone to a friend’s cabin while you are sitting at the Lake Harriet Bandshell? When you are “antiquing” in Stillwater do you wish you were napping in your hammock on Humboldt? Explain this phenomena. (Essay)
Neighbor Lance bikes 20 miles if it is between 60 and 70 degrees. If it is between 71 and 90 degrees he travels 15 miles. If it is above 90 degrees he plays X-Box under the house. During a typical July, how many miles will Lance ride? (Hint, July has 31 days).
- Is it the Lance on Fremont who practically lives in those lime green bike shorts?
- Is it miles or square miles? (There may be a difference.)178
- Does Lance (L) come home at night (L-1/2) or does he keep going (L+20 or L+30 X31)?
If he keeps going south he would reach Winona on July 17th.
Aunt Edna is over for dinner but says she will remain in the back yard drinking Cutty Sark until she receives > 4 mosquito bites per hour. If she comes in at 9:30 PM, how much has she drunk?
- Who can tell? She has a hollow leg.
- I still can’t believe she wouldn’t buy Billy an X-Box.
- She waters down the drinks. I doubt it’s Cutty Sark.
- Wrap her dinner in aluminum foil and leave it in the refrigerator!!!
Which is the worst nonfatal family reunion summer picnic extravaganza memory?
- “Bike shorts” Lance crashes the party and tries to put a move on your recently divorced niece.
- Uncle Jasper offers Billy $5.00 if he will come out from under the house and have some ice cream.
- Aunt Edna claims she doesn’t want to miss anything so she squats behind the neighbors’ shrubs rather than use the house bathroom all the way on the second floor.
- The meat runs out early and many of the late arrivals are offered yummy grilled potato salad patties.
- After being discharged from the hospital, Billy resumes his summer vigil under the house and refuses Aunt Edna’s offer of a little Cutty Sark in a Star Wars glass.
Tom H. Cook has begun plotting a fall visit to the Twin Cities.